A thousand difficult conversations

Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity. (1Timothy 5:1-2)

Everyone faces, at various times in our lives, a moment when we need to say difficult things to people. If you know me, I imagine you’re picking your jaw up off the floor, because you know confrontation is about my least favorite thing in the world. I would be willing to wager that confrontation is low on your list as well. But we cannot get away from these kinds of conversations. As my wife wisely says, a healthy church is built on the relationships that are formed amid a thousand difficult but loving conversations. Anecdotally though, I know that many, many relationships between churches and their ministers—indeed between friends and even families—have been brought to an untimely end because of ugly confrontations. Since we can’t get away from confrontations, let’s learn how to have them. Let’s look over Timothy’s shoulder as Paul gives him instruction on how to have these difficult conversations.

Paul writes, “Do not rebuke an older man, but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” These categories—men and women, older and younger—apply to everyone. There are three points to notice in this section: Paul says (1) do not rebuke, (2) instead encourage, (3) treat people like family. Let’s look at each one of those in order.

Do not rebuke
First, Paul says do not rebuke. Stop here for a moment and consider this. What does Paul mean here when he says do not rebuke? Because if you skip ahead to verse 20, Paul says “rebuke those who persist in sin in the presence of all” (1Tim. 5:20). So if Paul says do not rebuke in one place, and he says do rebuke later in the same chapter, he must mean two different things. Language is such a gift from God—it is wonderfully flexible to contain everything we mean to say in a finite number of words. In English, for example, the word rebuke can be defined with the words berate or let someone have it. But rebuke can also be defined with admonish or reprove. The first two words or phrases imply harshness and anger; the second two imply a different kind of motive—they imply an intention to correct and build up. This gets at Paul’s meaning.

But Paul was writing in Greek. In verse 1, where Paul writes “do not rebuke,” he uses a word that is only used once in the New Testament. It means in a literal sense, to strike at or hit something. Metaphorically it means let someone have it. In verse 20, where Paul writes, “rebuke those who persist in sin,” he uses a word that is much more common in the New Testament. It’s the same word Jesus used when he said “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (Matt. 18:15). It is not a soft word—it is still very direct; but it has the sense of convincing or convicting a person of their fault in pursuit of repentance and reconciliation.

In our passage (verses 1-2), Paul is not telling us never to rebuke. If someone is persisting in sin, increasingly strong admonitions are appropriate. What Paul is saying, though, is that we shouldn’t confront people just to give them a piece of our mind, or tell them off, or otherwise make ourselves feel better. Our confrontations should be edifying and restorative in nature.

Instead encourage

Instead of rebuking, Paul tells us we should encourage. Older translations use exhort or entreat. This word means to speak to something or even to comfort or beg or teach or incite to action. Literally the word means to call beside. It’s the verb form of the word John uses to describe the Holy Spirit in John 14:16—a helper or comforter. I’ve thrown a lot of words at you here, but Paul’s point is that in confrontation, instead of trying to get something off our chests, our goal should always be to come beside a person and encourage them or help them see your concern. It’s implied that this should be done in humility.

Remember also that Paul is writing to Timothy, who is a pastor in a church. The context of our passage is talking about Timothy’s teaching ministry in Ephesus in the second half of the first century. A major part of Timothy’s work will be teaching and counseling people about faith and morals. Along the way, from time to time, he will need to instruct and correct people about one of the most deeply personal topics—what they believe and understand about God and how they live before him. A pastor has a calling that will bring him into potentially awkward conversations with frequency. It is an appropriate reminder to a minister that the correcting he will have to do should be done with gentleness and respect. Whether or not you’re a pastor, you will have hard conversations from time to time, and when you do it is good to remember that the goal of confrontation should be the good of the other person.

Treat people like family
Paul’s conclusion in this small section is that we should treat each other like family. There are a couple of ways this is true, and a couple of implications. First, we are family with our brothers and sisters at church. A part of salvation is that we are united to Christ (Rom. 6:3-11, Gal. 2:20). Through Christ, God adopts us into his family (Rom. 8:15, Gal. 4:5). So very truly, you are brothers and sisters with your fellow Christians at church. Second, there is a true sense in which we are brothers and sisters with all men and women, by virtue of being made in God’s image (Gen. 1:27). All human beings share uniquely in the image of God, and so in a very real way, we are a part of one human family. Paul mentions this human family when he expresses a deep desire that his countrymen, his brothers according to the flesh would also become brothers in Christ (Rom. 9:3).

In confrontation, we should encourage one another like family. Here are the implications. First, you can’t act like you know more than your mothers and fathers. You don’t. You may know more about one subject or another than they do, and that’s okay. If you are approaching a confrontation with biblical humility and you still feel a need to confront a mother or father, then your concern deserves a hearing. But your parents have lived longer than you, and most mothers and fathers have had at least two decades more experience than their kids. Experience is hard earned and runs deep. So when you have to confront or correct a parent, you do so with deference, understanding, and respect.

Second, brothers and sisters have grown up with you. In many cases they know your weaknesses just as well as you do. So when you confront a brother or sister, you can’t do so thinking you’re better than them. Like with parents, if you are approaching your siblings with humility, then your concern deserves a hearing. But your siblings know you are not better than they are. It’s this very kind of familiarity that led Jesus’ relatives to doubt his ministry until after the resurrection (John 7:5, Acts 1:14). So when you have to confront a brother or sister, do so with humility and patience.

We treat people this way—with a goal to love and reconciliation—because we ourselves have been reconciled to God in love. God has given us gifts of life and health and in our fallenness, we sin against him. In justice, God owes us only his just judgment. But God has patience with us all. In love, while we were still sinners, God the Son lived, died, and rose again for us. He bridged the division between us, identifying with us in every way except our sin. And he says to each of us, “Today is the day of salvation.” He says “come to me if you’re weary or burdened, and I will give you rest.” We treat others with love and reconciliation because God first loved us.

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